Whoa! Where do I even begin? I know I have kept a lot of you out of the loop and in total suspense throughout the last couple of weeks and maybe even months. I also know that you can understand that when I don’t share things it is for my own good and others around me BUT now I can finally spill the beans……
Some of you noticed my absence from posting certain things and maybe you recognized my old house in a few stories or photos. A lot of you guessed your best guesses and my patients texted me in a rush for their next treatment just in case I was leaving the state 😂 I am staying put!
Some say that time heals all wounds and I am not sure if that is really true, but absence can make the heart grow fonder and sometimes life has a way of pointing you to what really can make you happy. I 100% know that not everyone reading this believes in God or is skeptical, but that’s ok, this is my story and my testimony and I encourage you to still read on.
I hit rock bottom after my divorce but my social media presence would not indicate to you. I was trying to hold everything together. I was at the lowest of lows. I avoided everything of my old life. I couldn't even listen to the radio because the songs stirred up feelings and took me back down the dark rabbit hole. I grew up in church, was forced to go, saw all of the hypocrisy around church and kept arms length away because religion is touchy and for a lot of my years, wasn’t considered “cool”. Seriously. But I always believed. After the mess surrounding me, I hit my knees in surrender. I felt I had nothing left to lose. There was no other way for me to heal. I tried everything on my own, my own plan failed me, and my life appeared ok, but it was dark. I starting reading, praying, and asking God to pick me up. My specific prayer was “God heal my heart and let your will be done. I am yours. I trust you.”
This rollercoaster went on for about 5 months. Ups and downs occurred daily, I began to run to relieve my anxiety and I would take that time to pray, talk to God, to look around and be thankful that I was alive and breathing. Often times I would be running and crying. I started listening to Christian hits Pandora radio as I ran because like I said, every other station was a trigger for me and left me feeling sorry for myself. Little did I know I would allow myself to hear God the most during those runs and I would pray for signs that he was talking to me and working in my life. Ask and you shall receive. I got God winks and in the craziest ways at the exact moments I needed them. So much so, that I would just be running and laughing or crying again. Remember, I was an emotional wreck.
After the New Year, Rowan’s dad and I started counseling. Side note: Can we stop the stigma of counseling? Like seriously. I think everyone should have it or have had it at some point, especially couples. We plan on it being a monthly thing for us still. Use it as a tool, not a last ditch effort. Ok back to the story….Our intention was to see if we could work as a couple again after a lot of years crap, like a lot of crap. Remember life is HARD. We never set out to get back together for our daughter. If we didn’t reconcile, we would still be great co-parents and excellent communicators, but if we did, we could be stronger than ever. We never told anyone what we were doing except for family and a few close friends. It's unfortunate that we had to keep some things like that private for fear of people trying to break us apart again. But once you recognize the toxic influences from your past, you eliminate them for your future. We started with family dinners. We never broke our divorce schedule with Rowan because again, if it didn’t work out, her world would not be shifted. We then added in date nights. It was like restarting over again to what made us get together in the first place. Why did we choose each other over 12 years ago? I gifted him the same Bible I was reading and began to tell him why I had that untouchable joy and if we were going to work, we had to be on the same page. Not that I made him do anything, but encouraged him to find his own joy first. Remember, NO ONE can make you happy. You have to be happy with yourself and worldly things change daily, they don’t last, they are never fulfilling but only for a second. But the one constant reminder is that God never changes.
I started seeing changes in him and he started seeing changes in me. We kept plugging along. We had a few set backs and a few eye opening events, but I feel that was God healing us individually. I had walls that needed to be broken down and boy did they fall. It wasn’t pretty. We knew that we didn't want to be with anyone else. We have a history. We have a daughter. We have extended family, step children. We looked at homes all Summer but never with the set intention of buying. If you know us, we LOVE looking at houses and remodeling them. It got to the point where we were spending every evening together as a family and I would cook dinner and we would hang out until it was time for bed, then I would go home or vice versa. Again, all for our daughter. Kids like routine and structure, well ours does.
And it went like……
Tuesday I sent him a text of a house that looked neat online. I drove by it since it was close and was like ehhh nope, it’s ugly. Seriously. That evening we looked at the photos online together and agreed that it needed some love but we liked doing that. He suggested that we go look at it. So I called our realtor friend that evening and she said we could see it at 11 am on Wednesday but not before that because it already had a few other showings set up. 11 o’clock we looked at it and surprisingly liked it more than the photos. We saw potential. A new start. We went to lunch and were talking about it over a glass of wine and he said, let’s put in an offer. Shocked, I was like naw it is way too much money for what we want to do with it. Naw there is always something else. Naw I don’t even know why I am talking myself out of anymore because it was uncomfortable. It was the new start I was praying for, but I was scared. Naturally, I prayed all the way to get Rowan from school and all the way home. Talking to God in my head. But maybe if we submit a low offer (like ridiculous) they could counter and we would have our top dollar we wanted to spend and maybe they wouldn’t accept? This house had been on the market for 2 days. After him telling me to submit the crazy low offer, we both agreed to it, and we did it. Totally thinking it would get rejected. Remember my prayers.
That same Wednesday night, they accepted it. Plain and simple. Like what? Are you kidding me? The realtors were in shock and couldn't believe that they accepted it and told us we got an incredible deal. Everyone was in shock. We were so excited. I literally couldn't sleep. So much running through my mind and the dark thoughts immediately come back like the “what ifs” but, I prayed. “If it is your will God, it will be done. Help me trust you.”
The next day I needed to set up and inspection and I was given 3 phone numbers to different companies. I called the third one on the list for some reason. We needed a Wednesday time for the following week as everyone would be off of work. The inspector guy answered the phone and said, “I only have one day available next week and it is Wednesday.” Ha ok God you are good. We will take it I said.
We bought a house. Together. A new start. A fresh beginning. God in the center of it. Because let’s be honest, he broke me to show me HIS plan, not mine. Mine failed me. You can call it what you want. You can say that we made this work for whatever reason or you can convince yourself there are other motives, but if those are your first thoughts, ask yourself “where is my own joy or happiness that I am thinking or wishing bad thoughts on someone else?” Don’t waste your life hating and judging others so that your life is robbed of it’s full potential. If you hear people tearing others down, pray for them. They are hurting.
I look forwards to sharing the upcoming journey with you all and remember life is not perfect. My life is still not perfect. I am here to be a light for anyone going through a hard time to let you know there is hope and a way to a better, more fulfilling life. Please hear my heart on this. You are loved.
I want to send out a huge thank you to my cheerleaders, my supporters, my followers, my family and my dearest friends. The amount of messages I have received in full support of any upcoming endeavor has richly blessed my life. No explanations needed, just prayers and love. So often I have thought of stopping all social media channels but even when I step back from posting fashion things and I switch things up again, your loyalty to me remains. I am grateful to you all for that and know that you have played a part in my healing process. Stay tuned for the renovation and transformation of not only my life but OUR NEW HOUSE!
XOXO
