It’s about time I share something. My tendency to try and control everything has come to an end and I now realize that I can no longer plan every outcome, nor do I want to carry that burden anymore. I went back and forth on whether or not I even needed to address this or if I should just let it be, but you are all a big part of my life and keeping something from you is just hard. My life has become very public and you all invest your time and energy into my business and I would not be here without your faithful souls. Honestly, throughout the past year while dealing with this, you guys have been nothing but a healing spot for me. Every time I would open up my Instagram, someone had something kind or encouraging to say even when you had no idea what I was going through. It kept me going. It was actually quite easy to ignore the haters because their information is hear say, and so I will pray for them and thank everyone else.
As you know I have a daughter and she is the biggest reason I do what I do, and she is the reason this post is so hard to write. Some day she will be able to read this and I want her to know where my heart was. I want her to understand that she will always be the best part of my life no matter what season I am in. I have done everything throughout this process to shield and protect her because I am her mom and that’s what we try to do. People may not understand my thinking on this, but you are not in my shoes and many times I feel I don’t know what to do. I question choices and decisions, beating myself up as I prayerfully try to figure out what is best for our daughter in the long run.
After this post I will no longer talk about it and I will not answer questions or talk in any negative way about anyone or anything. Though I am being vulnerable and real with you as I struggle through some of the most difficult days to date, please respect my and my family’s privacy. I do not wish to speak of this in detail with anyone, and won’t address questions. I don’t want to speak negatively about anyone. And please stop believing everything you hear. It’s exhausting trying to live up to all the rumors. I have already beaten myself up enough about my situation and I have had several months to grieve and process all of the change occurring in my life. I am human, I am not perfect, but I am thankful for the grace of God and His word to continually motivate and push me forward. It’s hard not looking back and wish things could've been different. The worrying, the self blaming, the doubt, the insecurity, loss of control, all of it is a lot to bear alone. It isn’t healthy. I also have a LOT of incredible friends who have my back regardless of my situations. These people have no idea how much they mean to me because words alone can not express my love and gratitude for them. You know who you are.
And if you were one to reach out to me via text, I appreciate the straightforward approach. But it appears a lot of people don’t know what to do or say with these types of situations so I am going to give you a little advice. Just reach out and say “ Hey, I just want you to know that I am here for you if you need anything.” That’s it. I don’t need to share my story, I don’t need to confirm or deny information so everyone can chat about it, I just needed to know that people were in my corner. I started writing this post 6 months ago and I have had to delete and add a lot as I have gone through the stages of grieving. At one point it was so dark I didn’t even recognize myself. The anger I felt was something I had to deal with. I will never understand what it is people find “fun” in gossiping about people’s misfortunes.
My life changed in September, 2018 when my husband and I decided to begin the divorce process. I hate even putting this in writing because it hurts, a lot. Like I said, I will not spill details for everyone to grab the popcorn and judge our life. Know that I will never say a bad word about him, as he is my daughter’s father and always will be. We spent 8+ years together and have a lot of history and memories that will remain. We will co-parent to make our daughter’s life the best it can be moving forward. We will remain friends and I would ask that you give him the respect he deserves as well in all of this.
Yes, we still traveled together and I hope we still can sometime in the future. Yes, we still lived together throughout the process and are currently still living together until I move into my new home. I continued to cook meals because that is what was normal for our daughter. Everything I shared in my stories was real but I purposely left out the details because honestly it wasn't anyone's business. As much as I love this job, my first and foremost job in this world is to be Rowan’s mom and I was doing what was best for her. Ugh. How do you tell a 5 year old and have her comprehend what is going on? I don’t know if there is a right way to do this but it seemed like the only way for us. My idea was to finalize everything, get my daughter settled, then tell her the most devastating news ever, but it’s hard to do that when people are coming to you with rumors and questions before you are “ready” to tell the only person it will affect most, your child. We ended up telling her to allow her to process it and ask questions while we were still living together to let her know that we are both there for her no matter what our living situation may be. To say my heart is broken is an understatement.
Moving forward as I share new stages of my life with you on the blog or through my Instagram stories and posts, please don’t look at it as I am bragging or glamorizing divorce or my situation. Again, I am sharing my real life with you and new things will be happening for me and I look forward to sharing those things with you all. It doesn't mean that everything will be peaches and cream, but I will tell you that I have gained an unshakable joy that comes from the Lord and it is not affected by worldly circumstances (most days). I started reading the Bible every day and a daily devotional, Jesus Calling, this past January as a way to cope. Without my faith or support system, I would not be ok right now. I also hope by sharing this and being vulnerable and open, it allows you to realize that I am human and it’s ok not to be ok. My life never was perfect, far from it actually. So if this helps someone else facing this difficult decision then my job is done. Ladies and gents….life is hard. But it is better to do life together than against each other all of the time.
This blog started January, 2014 and I named it Lady and Red. I am the lady and my daughter is the red. It is her initials, RED. So the crew really isn’t going to change around here but our lives will be different moving forward.
I bought my very first house and will be moving out in July. I honestly missed sharing that process with you all but rest assure I will be sharing all things and updates moving forward and I look forward to seeing what God has in store for my life. Stuff is about to get crazy! I have new responsibilities and a child starting Kindergarten all at the same time…I do accept wine as a housewarming gift 😂 So friends, I appreciate you taking the time to read my story and if there is something that you can do for me, it is to PRAY. Please pray as I need it, my family needs it. I appreciate you all and stay tuned for what this new crew has in store for you! XOXO